In Cambodia, You See Some Shit

I have been living in Phnom Penh for three weeks now and I have come to understand that this place has its own special way of working and that in this country, you see some crazy shit. Lately I have been going to work, exploring the city a bit, and going clubbing with da boyz, and it is starting to feel all caj and normal but then suddenly I will see something that is so jarring that I will be like, "Oh yeah, I'm in South-East Asia and it's nuts here."

Let's start with something really messed up. Jeff and I were at work trying to save lives or whatever when we heard this dog yelping outside. We go to the window and see two dogs stuck together. It looked as if their bums were attached. It also looked like one of the dogs didn't have a leg and it was really confusing.

We watched them struggle for about five minutes, not being able to figure it out. We didn't know if someone had done this to them or they were having sex and got stuck - although it didn't look like doggy style. We sat back down and that's when we heard a big yelp and a splat. We went back to the window and they were detached but there was a big brown stain on the concrete and the black dog was licking his tail. We were later told by someone that this happens a fair bit here - sickos force a dog's tail into another dog's butt. We even saw this same thing when we were on a tuk-tuk ride to the city. How disturbing and cruel is that? You also see trucks and vans loaded with dead chickens and cages on the backs of motorbikes crammed with baby pigs - but that is sort of to be expected here and not as sickening. 

A big group of us also went to go see a 'lady boy' show while we were out drinking one night. It was probably the worst show I have ever seen. Everyone looked displeasing to the eye and was really shrill. One of the songs sounded like it was Yoko Ono screaming for three minutes straight. It sort of killed the night because it made us want to go home and hide under the covers. I mean, just look:

Is this a sick joke?

A few times we have been out drinking and have had something happen that completely killed our buzz. One night we were pre-drinking on a tuk-tuk to the casino to try our luck with the Nanna Iris Special. The road suddenly got very congested and we thought there may have been a protest up ahead. Instead, we saw a moto driver sprawled on the road with a fatal head-wound. It was quite distressing and we sat in silence in the tuk-tuk needing a few minutes to just process what we saw before we could even think about having fun. Apparently there are five road fatalities a day in Cambodia, with an average of three per day in Phnom Penh. 

Luckily, we have not been involved in any serious accidents - but we have had a few people be mugged. On Saturday morning I went with Connor to a local police station to be a witness in a police report for his stolen iPhone. He had already spent a whole afternoon trying to get the police to write up a report but they said they needed a witness to the event. So I came in and they asked me a bunch of questions about the mugging and the mugger's appearance. We told the officer that the suspect was Cambodian, male, slim, short, with short-dark hair. In case you haven't been to Cambodia, that is the description of literally every single man in the entire country, so I hope it was helpful for them. The funny thing was though, to get the police to do anything you had to 'tip' them at least $3 per document. I guess it's technically a bribe but that's how this country works. And then we had to go to the foreign police, 'tip' them, and have them write out the whole report again in English. I think it took Connor about 10 hours to finally get the police report… and then he almost left it on a cafe table. 

Zoos also work a little bit differently here. On Sunday Connor and I went to a wildlife conservation park where most of the animals were endangered and had been rescued from poachers. The zoo was also inhabited by gangs of wild monkey that tried to attack us at every turn. We were going to go feed the monkey some bananas but as soon as we walked near them they started hissing at us and looked poised to attack. We threw our bananas at them and ran to the safety of our tuk-tuk (you drive around the zoo because it's huge). That's when the monkeys started fighting each other. They were mothers as well, so that just made them more vicious. 

Monkey fight club

But how cute is the baby!!!

Even the caged monkeys attacked us. One of the gibbons lunged at Connor's camera as he tried to take a photo through the cage. It actually scared the shit out of us. The tiger was also really angry and roared at us while we snapped a million photos. A part of me liked that the animals weren't sedated. The other part of me wanted a bit more distance and a bit more metal between me and the angry animals. But this is Cambodia and the whole attitude of the zoo was very 'whatever'. I did get to feed an elephant some sugarcane, which was pretty cool. Note the 'danger' sign in the photo and the flimsy fence between us:

While you do see some shit in Cambodia, you also see some pretty nice stuff as well. The kids are always smiling and waving, and the sunsets are always pretty spectacular:

Classic Cambodia

I'm still not going to bother getting up early to watch a sunrise, however, that shit is just ridiculous.

On The Road With A Human Rights Defender

I have just come back from a road trip with Mam Sitha, the Director of HROTP, one of her colleagues, and a fellow volunteer, to visit clients living in rural areas in Khampong Thom province.

Sitha drives the bumpy dirt roads of Cambodia with a lead foot, minimal air-con, and thumb constantly honking the horn. She doesn't honk the horn angrily like you would in Australia, but it is used as more of a precaution, as if to say, "move bitch, get out the way, get out the way." There were no seat belts in the backseat, so with every bump and dip in the road we went airborne. It was like a roller coaster but without all the safety. She also pulled over repeatedly to buy food from the side of the road. From her car window, she bought us fresh corn, watermelon, ice coffees, fried banana, and palm seeds. She didn't even get out to pump her own petrol, just honked the horn and handed money out the window - I respected that.

Be jealous, Jess. 

The first client we visited was a prisoner in a local jail in Khampong Thom. I was surprised by how little security there was; the prison gate was open so we just walked right in. Most of the prisoners were working in the yard ploughing, planting or watering. There were no prison-bitches or abusive guards or ethnically-charged shankings - Prison Break had lied to me. Compared to my visit to Villawood Detention Centre this time last year, this prison was practically Sesame Street. We met with the client in a room watched by a couple of unarmed guards and I was a little disappointed by how non-threatened I felt. I didn't exactly want to be treated like Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs, but a little bit of attention from the prisoners would have been nice.

After a quick stop to the local court house, we arrived at Sitha's rubber farm where her sister had prepared us a feast of pig and duck giblets. This was when I had a 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding "You don't eat meat? That's OK I make lamb"' moment. I had to explain what being a vegetarian meant and it seemed to really confuse them, "No chicken? No pork? No fish?!" Sitha's sister went off to begrudgingly fry up an egg. Afterwards, I wanted to win some points with the family so I said the word for 'yummy' in my best khmer. I thought I was top-shit speaking the language, but the sister muttered something in khmer, rolled her eyes, and the whole table cracked up laughing. Apparently she said something like, "how do you know what 'yummy' is when you don't eat meat?" So. Much. Sass.

She did warm to us as our days on the farm passed and my khmer got marginally better. Except, it was still really hard having dinner conversation with people who spoke very little english. On my end, I could really only say, "too expensive, 5 dollar" in khmer - which really didn't help. I found myself just listening to their conversation and relying on body language and tone. This meant that they would all start laughing at a joke and I would laugh along even though I had no idea what was happening. So, I guess that made me look like a sociopath.

Farm life was a bit of an adjustment. I mean, there wasn't even any wifi. What kind of country is this where a rubber farm in the jungle doesn't have high-speed internet access? There wasn't even fibre to the node. However, I did get to avoid all the sickening Valentine's Day declarations of love on social media, so that was nice.

We were sleeping in a semi-enclosed area outside right next to the chickens, ducks, dogs and cats. One of the cats was pregnant and was quite fond of sitting in my lap. On our last day on the farm, I was stroking her as she sat in my lap. I must have been petting her too hard or exerting too much pressure on her stomach because I think I induced labor... I think that because when she jumped off me there was a pool of cat blood on my thigh. Her amniotic sac must have leaked all over me. She ran off to give birth while I rubbed emergency hand-sanitizer all over my thighs. So yeah, I guess I'm a dad now?

Yeah, it's cute but is it worth having cat-vagina juices all over me?

We went to a half-constructed house to meet with some families who have been told to evacuate as the Cambodian government has intentions to sell the land to Vietnamese investors. We met with a lot of families in the same situation and I couldn't help but think of The Castle - the shacks we saw didn't look like much but a man's home is his castle… and it's the vibe of the thing….

Taking care of business

It really was an eye-opening experience, seeing the face of poverty in rural Cambodia. Some of the villagers looked at us whiteys as if we were going to save their homes and that was a lot of pressure. After the meeting in the half-constructed house - which grew into a bit of a rally by the end - the villagers gave us some lunch and put some drinks on the table. I didn't want to eat their food or drink their drinks because they were really poor so I tried to resist that alluring can of coke as long as I could but I cracked and chugged it down. It's really hot in Cambodia, I needed it! After recovering from my guilt, I faced another problem... I needed to go to the bathroom but there clearly wasn't a bathroom nearby. I considered going into the bush to do my business but I remembered being told that land-mines surrounded the property. I decided to hold it, which was a great idea until the bumpy car ride home. I almost pissed myself.

It was a very educational couple of days on the road with Mam Sitha. I learned a lot about Cambodian politics and the border disputes between Cambodia and neighbouring Vietnam and Thailand. You also get to see some incredibly stuff on the road. For example, I saw some parents take their newborn baby home on a motorbike with the hospital IV drip still attached, rolling alongside them. Only in Cambodia. It was a great experience, but would I go back to the farm with the cat blood and the no wifi? Tell him he's dreamin'.  

Finding A Work / Life Balance in Phnom Penh

Here are the three greatest sentences in the English language, as I see it:

1. Come to my party, there will be an open bar. 
2. I'm baking a cake, do you want to lick the spoon?
3. You start work at 8.15am and finish at noon.

When I was told that I finished work at lunchtime I was doing mental fist-pumps. Think of all the room in my schedule for activities! I am able to work in the morning and play in the afternoon. A healthy lifestyle is all about balance and I am crushing it.

The work side of things has been really good. So far, I have been trying to build up the social media profile of HROTP and also find grants that we can apply for to help fund a few current land-rights projects. We were also given the opportunity to attend the Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia (ECCC) to witness the trial of two Khmer Rouge leaders charged with crimes against humanity, grave breaches of the 1949 Geneva Conventions, and genocide. Nuon Chea was the former Deputy Secretary of the Communist Party, and Khieu Samphan was the former Head of State after Pol Pot. We watched the defence try and delay the trial by another two years. These guys are in their 80’s so the prosecutors were arguing that the Chamber needed to push the trial through and manage some justice before they cark it. It was so interesting to see how this unique court worked and to witness some really awesome lawyering. One of the defence lawyers was so good he almost made me forget about the mass murder of over three million people. Almost, but no. 

We weren't allowed to take in phones or cameras so I stole this from Google to give you an idea

Focusing on the dark page of Cambodia's history can be quite exhausting so I have been trying to do some more carefree things in my spare time. For example, we went out for dinner in Phnom Penh for another volunteer's birthday and we managed to find a restaurant with a 17 hour long 'happy hour'. Long story short: we got pretty buzzed, trawled the streets looking for a karaoke bar, ended up at a place called 'Candy Lounge' that was crawling with prostitutes, and had an epic sing-a-long on the tuk tuk ride home. I also caught up with some friends I made on Contiki and we spent most of our time together in Phnom Penh watching a monkey climb the Royal Palace. We didn't even go inside the palace, because let's face it, what can top watching a monkey climb a building? 

Cambodia's King Kong

Actually, I know what can top that. I visited a local school where my roommate Connor is a volunteer teaching English to an adorable bunch of kids. The school is in a pretty rural area and the kids come from really poor families, but they are all so carefree and dedicated to learning - it was beautiful to see. I helped Connor teach them plurals and the names of household objects. They called me 'Teacher Nathan' and one of them told me she thought I was cute, so obviously she was my favourite. Look at how adorable they were:

Kids actually like me in Cambodia

And look at how cute I am!

Nothing helps establish a healthy work/life balance quite like a weekend away. That's right, I'm talking about a road trip. We loaded up a minivan with 15 volunteers and two eskies of beer and headed down to the beach town of Sihanoukville. The driver was a legend and let us stop to pee on the side of the road whenever necessary. He also only had three CDs: Rihanna, Jason Derulo, and Beyoncé. What more could you possibly need?

Sihanoukville is a great place. It's like what Thailand was 20 years ago. You can spend all day on the beach getting massages, pedicures, and cheap cocktails delivered to your beach chair. I have never felt more white and privileged in my life than I did getting a pedicure from two Cambodian women, each one focusing on a separate foot. I felt kind of bad but I was contributing to the Cambodian informal economy and that's a good thing, right? 

Shameless crotch shot

At night, the beach gets a bit crazy. All the bars are committed to getting you loose, either from alcohol or balloons filled with nitrous oxide. And there were a lot of loose people on that beach. I witnessed a wet t-shirt competition at one of the bars and it was the sloppiest, most un-erotic display I have ever seen. Seven girls were paraded out the front of the bar wearing white singlets while one of the Western club promoters sprayed them with a hose. Meanwhile, the DJ played Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrty' and encouraged the girls to get, well, dirrty. Some of the girls ended up making out with each other and they all ended up with their lady-pillows on display. The winner was announced and she ran to the bar to collect her free bottle of vodka - which is priced at about $8 in Cambodia. The guy standing next to me gives me a nudge and says, "that's my girlfriend!" He was so proud. 

After two days on the beach, we piled back into the minivan for a much quieter ride home. Yep, it's already starting to feel like home. 

Rolling With It: First Impressions of Cambodia

I arrived in Phnom Penh on Sunday ready to start my six weeks of volunteering with the Human Rights Organisation for Transparency and Peace (HROTP).

I got picked up at the airport by my volunteer coordinator, who led me and another volunteer to a tuk-tuk waiting outside the airport. A part of me was expecting to be picked up by a car or minivan and this was when I realised that Cambodia operates differently to other places and I would just have to roll with it.

My new home is a set of flats inhabited by about 15 other volunteers and a Cambodian family who run the place, cook for us, and make sure we don’t get murdered in our sleep. Seriously, there are bars on all the windows and doors and there is a 10pm curfew. Despite this, we think we are staying in the rich part of Phnom Penh seeing as there are some nice cars on the street and the piles of garbage aren’t that big. I’m staying in a room with another two guys, on double beds that are about an inch a part. It’s a really confined living space but we are rolling with it. We also have a pet dog, which I think is really cool – even though I’m keeping my distance from it so as not to contract rabies. The real problem, however, are mosquitos. The mozzies here are hectic, which we found out when we accidentally left our bedroom window open one night. Whatever, rolling with it.

I wasn't kidding about the piles of garbage

At orientation, we met up with a bunch of 40 other volunteers who will be working in NGOs, schools and orphanages. Together, we were taken on a tour of the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum which is the site of the S-21 prison used by the Khmer Rouge for interrogation and torture. It was really intense, but also a reminder of why we are here in this country, giving them our time and skills to help them move forward. It is incredible what this country and these people have been through. For example, upon meeting the Director of HROTP, she apologised for her lack of English language skills, as she would have been imprisoned for learning English as a child. Despite the dark history, Cambodians are proving to be the nicest people. All the children wave and say hello as we walk past on the street and the adults are more than happy to give directions, even if you look like a giant loser tourist wearing elephant pants. Just look at how the schoolkids stop traffic in order to cross the road:

Totes adorbz yet highly dangerous

Even when we are being scammed, it is done in such a nice way… We caught a tuk-tuk to a nearby shopping mall to do some groceries and also had the driver stop at a few places on the way home. When we stopped at a pharmacy, he runs off down the street and we assume he has gone to chuck a leak or something. Instead, he comes back with his young, adorable daughter. She sat in the back of the tuk-tuk for the rest of our ride and we fawned over her the whole time. She didn’t trust us whiteys though. When one of the girls offered her a chocolate, she snatched it out of her hand, I guess for fear that we would take it away from her? Or because she is living below the poverty line and starving. Either way, it was pretty funny. Rest assured, we ended up giving the driver more than the agreed $4 fare. Cutest scam ever.

There are some troubling things in Cambodia, however. The gap between rich and poor here is extensive. There are people on the streets living with less than $1 a day while others are driving a Lexus. Another thing I have found really wrong is the wide range of skin-whitening products. Every moisturiser we saw in stores advertise itself as 'whitening' or 'extra-whitening'. It’s so wrong. I also can’t find any self-tanning lotion, which is really upsetting.

Ethically abhorent and also a rip-off

I think I will learn a lot more about this country over the next few weeks working for HROTP. The organisation’s main focus is on anti-corruption and land-rights for peasant farmers. I may get to go with the director on some field trips to the countryside as well as attend a convention on human rights. It’s going to be so interesting. As much as I think I'm just rolling with it, I'm actually already loving it here. Best of all, my Cambodian phone is a shitty old Nokia and I get to play Snake. iPhones really can't compare to the joy that is Snake. 

Happy New Year From Hanoi

No, I'm not confused about the date, I have actually been celebrating Tet -  the Vietnamese New Year based around the Chinese lunar calendar. It has been great travelling through Vietnam during Tet as the whole country has been decked out in flowers, lanterns and balloons - making pretty places even prettier. As an added bonus, the party atmosphere has also intensified.

We visited the ancient capital of Hué and took in the historic sights of the city via cyclo. Cyclos are three wheeled bicycle taxis where poor locals pedal your fat arse around town - they are great! However, the drivers did harass us for tips even though our tour manager had pre-tipped them on our behalf. My guy kept saying "tip, tip, tip," so I gave him a high-five and wished him a Happy New Year - I'm a nice person. 

Ali was loving the cyclo ride

We stopped at the Forbidden City where the Emperor and his 100 wives all lived together in seclusion. As Grimmy whispered to me during the tour, "Imagine all those girls getting their period at the same time..."A scary thought indeed. I'm ashamed to say that the best part of the tour of the Forbidden City was the opportunity for model shots with ancient architecture. I'm worried that Instagram has spoiled my love of history #toovainforculture 

This door actually stained my shirt red

While Hué is no longer the ancient capital of Vietnam, it does have a strong case for being the party capital of Vietnam. Not really, but we did get really drunk there. We went to a place called DMZ that was a restaurant upstairs and a bar downstairs. I remember there being shots, cocktails, buckets, and beer. Strangely, I can't remember much about the actual meal I ate. The bar was great. There were markers so you could write on the walls and on each other, there were tables to dance on, and there was a pool table to pose on. We did all those things and my camera documented everything. Not many of the photos are fit for public consumption, however, but here's a taste:

FYI, my thigh says, 'Team Canada Sluuuuuuut'

Bars in Vietnam let you get away with a lot. However, it is a communist country and most bars obey a curfew. Usually at about midnight all but the seediest bar in town close. And I'm talking seedy. All the drunk and obnoxious Westerners pile into the same club run by bad communists who just don't care anymore. These post-curfew places can be fun but they are also dodge as hell.

Speaking of communists, some of the hotels we stayed in had banned Facebook. We would get the notifications but not be able to load them. For those of us in the wifi generation, it was heartbreaking and stressful. If we visit a temple but can't share the photo on Facebook, did it really happen? It's moments like these that make me wish the American troops stayed in Nam for just a little bit longer...

But for reals, the place is actually so commie. In Hanoi, a group of us visited the Mausoleum of Ho Chi Minh and saw his preserved body. It was quite an experience. You go through higher security scrutiny than an airport and they make you walk in two-by-two so it's easier for them to shoot you if you try anything. You are led into the Mausoleum and you walk around a glass coffin showing his perfectly preserved body. The dude died over 40 years ago at the age of 79 but he looks just as good if not better than a Madame Tussaud's wax figure. I think they probably inject him with botox every few weeks. It was actually really eerie and I swear I saw his finger twitch. Roger has a theory that his glass coffin is actually projecting a hologram. Roger is special. Apparently Uncle Ho wanted to be cremated but now his body is used as the most prominent piece of propaganda in Vietnam. 

Speaking of propaganda, today a few of us visited the Hoa Lo Prison aka 'the Hanoi Hilton', which was used by the French colonialists to hold Vietnamese political prisoners, and later used by the North to hold American POWs such as John McCain. Apparently, the North Vietnamese army treated the American so well that they let them decorate Christmas trees, play chess, and enjoy superb healthcare in comfortable cells. I hate to call bullshit, but I'm pretty sure they were also tortured and interrogated. 

But back to the New Year celebrations! We celebrated Tet on a junkboat in Halong Bay with a pirate party. Halong Bay is actually the most incredibly beautiful place. I think this was my favourite Vietnam destination. We had lunch on the boat looking out on the 1,600 limestone islands and I couldn't stop taking arty panorama shots. 

So pretty it hurts

We explored some enormous caves and were highly amused by the stalactite shaped like a penis. We also hiked to the top of one of the islands to appreciate the view and watch the sunset. It was so romantic, Emma and I couldn't resist taking some 'couple photos' despite the fact that there is absolutely zero attraction between us.  No offence, Emma.

We would make beautiful babies though

The pirate party that night was a lot of fun. I dressed in my new traditional Vietnamese kimono, because of course I did. We all had fun dancing together, playing games, and assassinating monkey-shaped pool toys. Once it hit midnight, the crew joined the party and gave us free beer and treats because Tet is a really generous holiday. Curfew be damned, the crew loved having a little dance with us to herald in the Year of the Horse.  Then they wanted to go to bed but we were all, "one more song, one more song" for another five or so songs. Then they had to wake up early and cook us breakfast, so it wasn't really the best new year celebrations for them... but it was a great experience for us!

So that's Vietnam done. We started in the South and made our way to the North, experiencing the depth of what this beautiful country has to offer. We played with snakes, kayaked, cooked Vietnamese food, rode bikes, snorkelled, and danced. We also covered the breadth of Vietnamese history; from Chinese merchants to Japanese bridges to French colonialism to American war. Vietnam is awesome and I loved experiencing it with a great bunch of people. Cool beans.