From Nha Trang to Hoi An: Mud Baths, My Son Temples, and More Bloody Russians

After almost getting hit by mopeds approximately one million times, we left the craziness of Ho Chi Minh City for the sexy coastal town of Nha Trang. Yeah, I called it sexy. Nha Trang is so sexy that it hosted the 2008 Miss Universe Pageant (I didn’t make top ten that year but did ace the swimsuit section).

The only thing that wasn’t sexy about Nah Trang was the sight of our group frolicking in some mud baths at the Thap Ba Hot Springs. I had so much fun splashing about and making whirlpools in that tub of brown sludge. Apparently the minerals in the mud do wonders for your skin but it doesn't feel as nice when you're finding mud in your ears the next day. Regardless, my skin does feel a little bit more sensual and I'm glowing like a pregnant octomom. (I actually found the whole experience a little too sensual, if you know what I mean...)

After coming to terms with my emergent mud fetish, we went for dinner overlooking one of the most beautiful bays in the world and watched some fire-twirling on the beach. I think we all got sufficiently buzzed from cocktail jam-jars and we left the beach wearing each other's shoes as we walked to a backpacker bar called 'Why Not?' I can think of one very good reason 'why not' - aggressive Russians. 

Nathan vs. Russian Tourists, Round Two

This Russian guy was hitting on a few of the girls and they were just trying to blow him off when he grabbed our tour-manager’s wrist. This got me antsy so I went up to him and tried to distract him with my boyish charm asking him if he was having a good night. I thought changing the subject would help but then he told me he wanted to punch me in the eyes. I think I was wearing my glasses at the time so I didn't want him to do that or I would end up with facial scars like Seal. Luckily he walked away soon after and I didn’t have to go all macho and throw some punches – I totally could have taken him though, I’ve been eating lots of tofu here so I’m all proteined up. Lol jks he would have destroyed me. At least I didn't get molested this time. 

We ended the night getting a ride back to the hotel on the back of a couple of mopeds with the drivers trying to sell us marijuana. Nah Trang may be sexy but evidently it can also be a little bit trampy. 

The next day, however, was so much fun. We went out on the water for a full day of snorkeling, sun-baking and water-sports. To give you an indication of our mood, the beers and table dancing started at 10am. This was our first stop:

No filter  Totally filtered 

There was some karaoke, a swim-up bar, topless jumping off the roof of the boat… It was just like the third-class passenger party in Titanic. Then it was time for some watersports. Vanessa and I hired a jet ski for 15 minutes and paid a little bit extra for one with a more powerful motor, which probably wasn’t a great idea since we were technically drunk driving. We nearly flipped over at one point and Vanessa fell in the water. However, that wasn’t as embarrassing as two of the girls face-planting on to the jetty during an unsuccessful parasailing takeoff. It was caught on film and the footage has been the gift that keeps on giving.

The next day we flew to Hoi An for the most cultured Australia Day I have ever experienced. Hoi An is super old and super quaint. We went on a bike tour to fully explore this UNESCO World Heritage site and we also released flaming lanterns on to the river for good luck. It looked incredible. But that’s nothing compared to how excited I was to be able to do some very necessary laundry. Sharing time: I hadn’t washed my clothes properly since landing in Phuket two weeks ago. The sniff test had become a morning ritual. I am now writing this blog in fresh underwear and my privates have never felt so comfortable.

The next day we went to the My Son Temples where we got to have a history lesson and a photo shoot. I took so many inappropriate photos. For example, you can’t go past a phallic statue like this and not get a cheeky photo, right?

Please don't judge me 

I also thought it would be fun to get a photo of me riding an ancient statue of a cow, just as a nearby tour guide pointed to it to explain the importance of this sacred creature to Hindu people. Hey, I’m a vegetarian, I feel like I should be allowed to desecrate a cow statue from time to time. But we did get some nice pics together...

Cute little temple photo

Back-to-back photos always look fierce as hell

And now a silly one

We are off to Hue tomorrow morning. The Lunar New Year is approaching so the atmosphere over here is starting to get really vibrant. Another New Years celebration so soon? This is going to be heckers. 

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm afraid of snakes. This isn't a phobia, this is a very rational fear. Snakes are sneaky. They are cunning, evil, and untrustworthy. Plus they're icky. However, it seems that the Vietnamese love snakes. They even use them in their cooking and have them as pets. Pets! When I was in Bangkok I was paranoid about stumbling upon a protest and having a grenade thrown at me, in Ho Chi Minh City I'm terrified that someone's pet snake is going to slither out of the shadows and kill me.

We spent the first full day of our tour through Vietnam cruising down the Mekong Delta to visit a rural Vietnamese village. On our way there, we stopped by a local candy factory that made some really nice snack food from coconut and rice. I was walking about the factory, minding my own business, when I noticed a snake in a cage and I jumped in terror and let out a very manly yelp. What a great way to make a first impression on my tour-mates.

I recovered from the fright with a soothing boat ride to our home-stay, featuring a very attractive conical hat and fresh coconut:

Could I BE anymore Vietnamese? 

We were then given the opportunity to try some 'snake wine.' This is basically a very strong wine that they store in a jar with a snake carcass, just like how tequila bottles sometimes have a scorpion in them. Apparently snakes have two penises so drinking snake wine will help men become more virile. As I never say no to more virility, I decided to harden up and have a shot of snake wine. It probably tasted just as bad as any other shot but because I knew it had snake juices in it I found it disgusting. But as I said before, I liked the idea of having some extra testosterone in my system so I did a second shot. Please note, however, that I do not feel more manly.

There I was, all proud of myself for drinking snake wine and conquering my fears when nek minnit we arrive at the home-stay and are greeted by their giant pet snake. Apparently it's name was Neville but I liked to call it, 'Omg it's disgusting, get it away from me.' It was impossibly long and weighed 40kg. I was more than happy to keep my distance from Neville but another girl who was terrified of snakes convinced me to face our fears together. My face pretty much says it all:

Definitely not a Slytherin

I guess I'm happy I did it but I really just want to repress the memory. Speaking of memory loss, after dinner we drank some very potent jungle juice and played an epic game of King's Cup. Apparently we went through 10 bottles of vodka between 20 people. That should help explain the bruises on my arm from trying to pole-dance with a tree. At least it distracted me from having stress dreams about Neville sneaking into my bed to size me up and eat me.

The next day, we visited the Cu Chi Tunnels, which were the series of tunnels dug by the Viet Cong to aid their guerrilla attacks against the Americans. It was so interesting seeing the series of tunnels and the examples of booby-traps they set for their opponents. We got to crawl through some of the tunnels, although they had been widened and expanded for the more rotund Western tourists. I may still be carrying some extra Christmas kilos but I didn't get stuck like Augustus Gloomp so I'm happy about that.

I have a lot of photos of Roger's ass

There was also a shooting range at the Cu Chi Tunnels where you are given the opportunity to fire a bunch of assault rifles. I found this to be pretty inappropriate seeing as we were at the location of an actual war-zone where a lot of people died. As a student of peace and conflict I found this to be quite ethically irresponsible. However, I was visiting the place severely hungover so I can't really talk. 

I expect that there will be more hangovers, historical sites, bruising, gaudy tourist hats, and snake freak-outs over the next 10 days  - and I'm really looking forward to it. 

The Dark Side of Bangkok

From spending one weekend in Bangkok, I have come to realise that this is a city with two faces. One face encompasses the light tourist fare, the temples and the markets. The other is the seedy underbelly that is both expected yet still shocking. 

My dad loves to say, 'Man who walks through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.' Well last night I got Bangkoked pretty hard. 

And I'm not just talking about getting drunk, dancing till the early hours and seeing girls perform some very sad acts. All that happened, of course, but I also witnessed a very savage and frightening bashing on Khao San Road.

Khao San Road is the backpacking mecca of South-East Asia. It's a street lined with hippies, second-hand book stores, pad thai vendors, and pubs. Here are two photos that I think sum up my Khao San Road experience:

A giant dog riding a moped

Me with a collection of empties

Look like fun, right? It is. But last night at 6am when all the bars had finally shut, me and my two Canadian friends were walking down Khao San Road back to our hostels when we stumbled upon a huge commotion. A tourist guy was being chased by a gang of about 5-6 locals. I don't know what he did to provoke them but they started punching his face, 5 on 1, and he was getting thrown on to the ground and up against shop windows. The gang smashed a plastic chair over his face so hard that the chair snapped in half. He then stumbled across the road towards me and I could barely see his face from all the blood. That's when they smashed the other half of the plastic chair into his face about a metre away from me. It was the most violent thing I have ever seen in real life. I didn't know what to do besides keep away. I felt so bad for the guy but I also knew that if I went to help him the gang would turn on me as well. Even the local street cleaners were visibly disturbed. We kept walking but I could tell that they were still beating on him even when he had been down for a while. I don't know if they stopped before killing him.

I'm not sure how often this kind of violence happens on these streets but I know that I never want to see anything like it again. It was also a reminder to stay alert at all times, especially when drinking. I had already been alert to avoid any anti-government protests as a some protesters had been bombed the day I landed in Bangkok.

I'm making Bangkok sound horrific but I actually did get to see the nice side of the city as well. I visited the Grand Palace, the Emerald Buddha, the Temple of the Reclining Buddha, and the floating markets.

The Floating Markets

Tourist shot at the floating markets

The floating markets were cool but actually pretty boring. I visited a more interesting market that was situated along a train line. The local vendors would lay out all their produce up to the tracks and then when a train comes they pack it all away and put their umbrellas down, only to lay it all back out and pop their umbrellas back up when the train passes. How unnecessarily difficult does that sound? Who was the genius that decided to put a market over a working train line?

Train-track Market

So those are the two faces of Bangkok. I'm now leaving the city a much more alert and safety-conscious traveller. But I'm also super relaxed from all the massages I've been getting, so that's a plus.

Next stop: Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

4 Nights in Patong: People Watching, Lady Drinks and Naked Russians

To recover from my traumatic groping at Patong Beach, I met up with my friend Kat and her family at a resort they were staying at nearby. This place was lush. It had everything my little hotel lacked: a lobby, a bar, ocean views, soft beds, a nice smell, general cleanliness... It was fantastic.

We caught a Tuk-Tuk down to Bangla Road where we were asked to come see a ping-pong show about 30,000 times. Call me crazy, but a ping-pong show just does not appeal to me. Maybe if they played a real game of table tennis with their vaginas? That would be something. Until then I'll just re-watch that one scene from Priscilla and pretend I'm there.

Bangla Road is pretty full-on. On our first trip to Bangla we avoided the sleazier places and had fun watching the Thai waitresses try and go home with the customers. People watching is probably the most fun you can have in Patong without catching an STI.

On our second trip down Bangla Road we decided to try out some of the more outrageous bars and watch some pole-dancing.

In this bar, we were approached by a woman wanting to play a game of Connect-4. If I won, she would be me a drink, and if she won I would buy her a 'Lady Drink.' A Lady Drink is an overpriced drink that you buy a 'lady' and she gets a commission from the bar. (When we first saw 'Lady Drinks' I assumed it was referring to fruity cocktails and got a little excited). I don't know why I accepted her challenge, probably because I'm an arrogant idiot. She had me beat in six moves. She later told us it took her two years to become a Connect-4 master. After she shot the tequila I was forced to buy her, she let us play a few free games because she wanted to teach us how to be more strategic players. I did beat her on about the third game but she didn't buy me a Lady Drink unfortunately. What a scam.

Another scam I encountered was the overly helpful bathroom attendant. I would go to the toilet, and this guy would be there putting soap in my hands and asking where I'm from. Before I could say, 'Australia', he had me in a headlock and was cracking my neck left and then right. I thought I was being attacked. I appreciated the impromptu physiotherapy session I never knew I needed so I was going to throw down a 20baht in his tip jar, that's when he shook his head and tells me, "no, no, it's 100baht." Between regular bathroom visits and Lady Drinks, Phuket was sending me broke. Here's a tip for future travellers to Bangla Road: don't break the seal.

I did actually have a real massage while in Phuket and not just a bathroom back-crack. I wanted to have a legit proper massage in Phuket and not a seedy Rub & Tug, so I booked into the spa at the resort next door to my hotel. My masseuse led me to a changing room, gave me a towel and told me to shower. That's how I knew this would be a classy massage. With the Rub & Tugs the shower comes after the massage not before (I've heard...). They also gave me some clothes to wear during the massage. Again, this was classy as I'm pretty sure the Rub & Tugs start off naked with the masseuse semi-naked as well (I've heard...). Yet, the spa was made less classy by the naked Russian coughing to death in the change room and another old mate in a jock-strap heading for the sauna - but I didn't let that detract from my classy experience. Long story short, I walked away without a happy ending and that made me happy.

A note on Russians: There are a tonne of them here in Phuket. It's like they are all trying to escape the Winter Olympics and Putin's regime of douchebaggery. However, they are all loud, overly-tanned, overweight and I'm pretty sure they could kill me with their thumb. The KGB is alive and it's headquarters is on Patong Beach.

Speaking of the beach. No more molestations! I did have a renegade beach umbrella fly into me as I sunbaked, but that's nothing compared to my old friend Mr Grabby. However, it did scratch my knee and Kat the pharmacist wants me to keep an eye on it for infection. This is why I avoid the beach, people - it's out to get me. In more pleasant beach news, Kat and I went parasailing and it was super fun.

Now I'm off to Bangkok, where I'll be staying in a hostel just off Khao San Road. This should be interesting.

A Day At Patong Beach: No Sharks, Just Cougars

I actually had a good night's sleep last night despite the loud music coming from the gay bar across the street. So I woke up refreshed, excited, and with 'It's Raining Men' stuck in my head from osmosis.

I decided to walk around town to get my bearings. This is harder than I thought because I realised I have a fear of crossing the streets here. Seriously, I stood at the side of the road for about 10 minutes before I deemed it safe enough to cross. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you can't trust someone who rides a moped.

The footpaths are another danger themselves. I narrowly avoided being zapped by an exposed wire dangling from the power lines. This is what the footpath on Bangla Rd looked like:

I'm pretty sure Phuket is trying to Final Destination me.

To celebrate being alive, I grabbed some breakfast at a place with free wifi - which is how I will determine where to eat all of my meals. I then decided to hit up the beach. It was so nice. I hired a beach chair and an umbrella and a Thai guy brought me beers when requested. Yeah, beers. I'm so masc.

This is how nice the beach was:

And this was me in the beach:

There was only one small snag with my beach day... I was groped. 

I was just in the water, floating about, soaking up the vibes, when this old guy swam past and brushed my leg. He said "sorry" in some northern-European accent which made me think it was an accident but then he groped my thigh again. This was one of those 'Please be a shark, please be a shark' moments. He then grabbed my hand and tried to put it on his junk. I snapped my hand back and swam off, quite disturbed yet a little bit flattered. 

This is what is wrong with Thailand tourism: people think they can do whatever the hell they want. The whole sex industry here is gross and it makes people - especially old, white guys - think that they own the place. I've avoided most of Thailand's renowned seediness so far but I suspect I will see a bit more of that side of Thai tourism tonight. I also think that tomorrow I might use the pool instead. 

Arriving in Phuket or: How Did I Get Myself Into This Mess?

After a whole day of fighting over tiny armrests, kicking the seat in front of me, and disregarding the seatbelt sign, I have finally landed in Phuket. Flying is easy, getting from the airport was more interesting.

I decided to take a shared minibus to my hotel (and the hotels of 6 other people) as that only cost 180baht whereas a taxi would set me back around 800baht. We all know a dollar makes me holla so I wedged myself into that minibus and made with the small talk.

Of course, this was one of those deals where the driver conveniently pulls over for a break right in front of his friend's travel agency. We were all told to hop out of the bus to discuss tour options and hotel deals. I had already heard about this scam so I was prepared, but when I told them my hotel they had never heard of it. Red Flag #1.

Luckily, I had some directions to the hotel from a more popular, bigger, fancier hotel. So the driver dropped me off there and I had to go find my little hotel. I'm staying in the middle of Patong, which I think is Phuket's party central. Only one ladyboy caressed my arm as I walked the streets looking for my hotel. Red Flag #2. I was also offered the opportunity to see a 'sexy shoe'... I don't know what that is, like a Manolo Blahnik?

So my hotel is above a bakery/ice creamery and opposite about 5 gay bars. Red Flag #3. Sounds too good to be true right? Yeah, well sound carries and some queens can be just too loud. This is the loudest room I have ever been in. It feels like Ryan Murphy is having a cocaine fuelled piano party right on top of me. It's surprisingly hard to fall asleep when 'Work Bitch' is being pumped through your bedroom window. Not only that, but the bed is harder than algebra and I'm definitely wearing thongs in the shower.

Anyway, it's not all that bad. The place is a dive. But it could be worse. Right now I'm sitting in the lobby watching the biggest diva drag off I have ever seen across the street. Who knew a Liza Minnelli / Katy Perry / Helen Reddy mash up would be so satisfying? But now I'm over it, shut up queens! I need some sleep!

Getting Around

Last year a psychic told me that I would die alone but would get to travel the world instead. I thought it was a pretty sweet deal so today I'm off to Asia to celebrate being single and unemployed. 

I'm going to be volunteering for a local NGO in Cambodia for 6 weeks because I believe in the importance of travelling with a purpose and making a difference. But I will also be damaging my liver and skin cells on the beaches of Thailand and Vietnam because I'm not a total square. 

Join me on my Asian experience as I ride tuk-tuks, avoid tap water, complain about my backpack being too heavy, and try to gain some life skills. Hopefully I can prove the psychic wrong and get my happy ending - and I don't mean the kind that comes after a Thai massage…. Although….