A Love Letter to Japanese Bathrooms

Japanese innovation has brought the world some amazing things: sushi, Pokémon, karaoke, CDs, karate... but nothing can compare to the wonder that is the Japanese toilet.

Maybe it is because I have just come from Cambodia, where most of the bathrooms look like the set from Saw, but I have become enamoured with the cleanliness and efficiency of Japan. Firstly, the seats are warm but not in the gross public rest stop way. Some toilets have an in-built air freshener and others play music to both soothe you and cover up certain other sounds. And yeah, there's also a bidet to give you a hose-down; it's new, it's different, it's a little exciting.

Same

These are features that need to be adopted worldwide. Frankly, it's 2014 and I am a disgruntled citizen knowing that Australian toilets are subpar. Haven't we suffered enough? Movies come out later for us than the rest of the world, but we deal with it. We don't get all the different flavours of m&m's. but we satisfy ourselves with crispy. Wearing Santa costumes at Christmas can be ridiculously hot and uncomfortable, but we sweat through it. We suffer in silence, but no more! This is where I say we take a stand - or a sit, rather - and demand to be on the frontline of toilet technology. Let's be number one when it comes to doing number two!

I bet you're thinking, 'Nathan, perhaps you're getting a bit too worked up. Take a chill pill, it's only a dunny.'  I see your concern and I raise you a urinal anecdote. So, I'm in this shopping mall on the hunt for some Hello Kitty merch, when I need to use the bathroom. I find the urinal and I notice that there is a red and white target painted on the porcelain and there's a small computer screen at my eye-level. Attached to the urinal is a motion detector which can sense when my 'stream' is hitting the target, the more forceful my 'stream' the quicker a bucket on the tv screen fills with water. If the bucket gets filled to the top, you win a prize or something, I don't know because I got performance anxiety and only filled the bucket just past half way. This may seem silly, but just think how much cleaner the floors are when you give a guy a reason to aim (yes, sometimes we need a reason.) Side note: I'm 95% that I was being filmed for a perverse Japanese game show, so keep an eye out!

Bathing in Japan has also been a transcendental experience for me. In Tokyo, I visited a traditional onsen (hot springs). The first thing to do when entering an onsen is to take off your shoes and don't you dare step on the carpet while wearing them (I learnt that the hard way). You then put your shoes in a locker and give the key to reception, all the while feeling self-conscious about how your feet smell a little funky from a long day of walking around the city. The receptionist gives you another locker key, one you wear on a strap around your wrist, and let's you pick a style of  yukata - a casual kimono. You then go to the locker room - divided by gender, of course - and change into your yukata.  So far so modest. You can then get some food or drink in a communal area before heading to the gender-divided baths, and that is where all modesty dies. You get handed a towel, unrobe, and let it all hang out. Initially, I was cautious, but the predominantly Japanese clientele seemed to have no qualms about strutting around as naked as their name day, so I took their cue and unleashed the kraken.

The baths were amazing. There were about eight different tubs of varying temperatures, including an outdoor rock pool. Before entering any of the baths they ask you to shower, because this is the cleanest country on earth. There was a row of showers along the back wall, but all the shower heads were pointed waist-high and there were little plastic stools you had to sit on to shower. Sitting down to shower was a weird experience for me, but I bet all the Occupational Therapists in the house are like, "hell yeah, go shower chairs!" After bathing, I put my yukata back on, grabbed a hot tea from a vending machine, and went to one of the relaxation rooms. The relaxation room consisted of rows upon rows of recliners each with their own personal TV. I kicked back, threw a blanket over my legs so I wouldn't Sharon Stone Basic Instinct anyone, and watched a Sumo Wrestling match on TV. Now that's what I call bliss.

Overall, the onsen was a very relaxing way to see another side of Japan... and another side of the Japanese... Let's just say, I saw a lot of samurai swords that day.