We caught a Tuk-Tuk down to Bangla Road where we were asked to come see a ping-pong show about 30,000 times. Call me crazy, but a ping-pong show just does not appeal to me. Maybe if they played a real game of table tennis with their vaginas? That would be something. Until then I'll just re-watch that one scene from Priscilla and pretend I'm there.
Bangla Road is pretty full-on. On our first trip to Bangla we avoided the sleazier places and had fun watching the Thai waitresses try and go home with the customers. People watching is probably the most fun you can have in Patong without catching an STI.
On our second trip down Bangla Road we decided to try out some of the more outrageous bars and watch some pole-dancing.
In this bar, we were approached by a woman wanting to play a game of Connect-4. If I won, she would be me a drink, and if she won I would buy her a 'Lady Drink.' A Lady Drink is an overpriced drink that you buy a 'lady' and she gets a commission from the bar. (When we first saw 'Lady Drinks' I assumed it was referring to fruity cocktails and got a little excited). I don't know why I accepted her challenge, probably because I'm an arrogant idiot. She had me beat in six moves. She later told us it took her two years to become a Connect-4 master. After she shot the tequila I was forced to buy her, she let us play a few free games because she wanted to teach us how to be more strategic players. I did beat her on about the third game but she didn't buy me a Lady Drink unfortunately. What a scam.
Another scam I encountered was the overly helpful bathroom attendant. I would go to the toilet, and this guy would be there putting soap in my hands and asking where I'm from. Before I could say, 'Australia', he had me in a headlock and was cracking my neck left and then right. I thought I was being attacked. I appreciated the impromptu physiotherapy session I never knew I needed so I was going to throw down a 20baht in his tip jar, that's when he shook his head and tells me, "no, no, it's 100baht." Between regular bathroom visits and Lady Drinks, Phuket was sending me broke. Here's a tip for future travellers to Bangla Road: don't break the seal.
I did actually have a real massage while in Phuket and not just a bathroom back-crack. I wanted to have a legit proper massage in Phuket and not a seedy Rub & Tug, so I booked into the spa at the resort next door to my hotel. My masseuse led me to a changing room, gave me a towel and told me to shower. That's how I knew this would be a classy massage. With the Rub & Tugs the shower comes after the massage not before (I've heard...). They also gave me some clothes to wear during the massage. Again, this was classy as I'm pretty sure the Rub & Tugs start off naked with the masseuse semi-naked as well (I've heard...). Yet, the spa was made less classy by the naked Russian coughing to death in the change room and another old mate in a jock-strap heading for the sauna - but I didn't let that detract from my classy experience. Long story short, I walked away without a happy ending and that made me happy.
A note on Russians: There are a tonne of them here in Phuket. It's like they are all trying to escape the Winter Olympics and Putin's regime of douchebaggery. However, they are all loud, overly-tanned, overweight and I'm pretty sure they could kill me with their thumb. The KGB is alive and it's headquarters is on Patong Beach.
Speaking of the beach. No more molestations! I did have a renegade beach umbrella fly into me as I sunbaked, but that's nothing compared to my old friend Mr Grabby. However, it did scratch my knee and Kat the pharmacist wants me to keep an eye on it for infection. This is why I avoid the beach, people - it's out to get me. In more pleasant beach news, Kat and I went parasailing and it was super fun.
Now I'm off to Bangkok, where I'll be staying in a hostel just off Khao San Road. This should be interesting.
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